[personal profile] vinniebatman
Title:  The Secret Adventures of Colonel Fuzzy and General Moonbrain
Author: vinniebatman
Fandom: Firefly
Spoilers:  The Big Damn Movie. 
Pairing: Mal/Simon
Rating/Warnings: Teen
Disclaimer: I hired a pack of ninjas to kidnap Joss; he was threatened with hot poker torture and chainsaws so I could meet the real him. I now own all. Thank you.
Prompt: #45: River gets a pet raccoon. Chaos ensues. Amidst the carnage, Mal and Simon find love. Humor and crack!  Written for the Mal/Simon ficathon at [profile] the_pretty_fits. Prompt list located HERE.
Beta: [personal profile] suki_blue, who is awesome beyond measure.  I lubs you!  ::bows and scrapes::
Author's Note:  You'll notice that certain elements of canon as per the film have been ignored.  I write fanfic because the writers got it wrong so just accept it and move along. 

After Miranda, the arrest warrants on the Tams had been lifted. So far the Alliance had steered clear of Serenity.  No one knew if it would stay that way, or if the government would come looking for River in the future.  Given the horrific death tolls, the cover up, the Alliance's attempt at what was essentially mind control of an entire planet, and the fact that the Alliance created the Reavers, River calculated that the earliest the Alliance would attempt to injure the crew would be in seventeen years, six months, and twelve days.  But all things considered (including Inara's return to the training house, Book's death, and Wash's paralysis), things were actually going pretty well.  

Sure, the operative had killed a lot of their business contacts.  Combined with Serenity's sudden notoriety, it had had lead many of their remaining contacts to cease doing business with them.  But Sir Warrick had been pleased with their honor and determination to reveal the truth, and had started using Serenity as one of his primary transports.  In turn, this led many of his contacts to use Serenity.  So the crew was busy and getting paid regularly, doing runs on the Rim and finishing their repairs.  Strangely, it had taken nearly dying and exposing a major government conspiracy for the ship to become financially viable.

Only a few short months after Miranda, the crew once again landed on Triumph.  It was, of course, their first return to the planet since the Saffron incident, but nevertheless they were welcomed with open arms. Mal had immediately declared that there was "no ruttin' way in hell" that anyone was allowed to get married to any of his crew.  If someone wanted to get married, it would be done in the light of day, sober.  The town elders had agreed and treated the crew to a feast.

The mid-day meal gave way to music, and music gave way to dancing.  River joined the townsfolk, spinning and swirling around the fire, never tiring in her joy.  As the crew watched (and occasionally joined her), the sun set and alcohol was served.  The crew also focused on the fact that Kaylee was not sitting with the Doc, whom Kaylee wasn't even trying to dance with.  Instead, Kaylee had spent her evening in the company of several young men, all of whom eagerly took turns dancing with Kaylee.  And Simon didn't even appear to be the least bit upset.  So it wasn't surprising that no one noticed the odd occurrence that followed.  As she was dancing with a young boy, River suddenly stopped, barely noticing when he careened into her.  Slowly, she drifted away from the fire, leaving the few sober observers mystified as to why she had left.  But all events became hazy and unimportant as the night wore on and alcohol flowed.

* * * * * * * * * * 

After enjoying a large breakfast that contained real meat, the crew headed back to the ship.  As Jayne helped Wash to the bridge, Mal and Zoe finished stowing the load of cotton destined for Persephone.  Kaylee had, of course, scampered off to the engine room, while River and Simon carried fresh food to the galley.  As Mal and Zoe shifted the last box into place, they heard a soft sound, rather like a cooing.

"You hear that, Zoe?" Mal asked. 
Zoe nodded, frowning.

"Yes Sir, I did.  You're not hiding a new bride, are you?"

"Ai ya, Zoe1!  Just look around and see if we got some wild critter onboard," Mal answered her, glaring.  As the cargo hold fell silent again, the pair continued to search.  Finally, Mal sighed.

"I got nothing."

"Me either, Sir," Zoe added.  

"You'd better get up there with your husband, make sure Jayne didn't drop him," Mal grumbled.  He walked over and hit the comm. panel as Zoe jogged up the stairs, her boots ringing against the metal.

"Wash, take us out," he ordered.  

"Sure thing.  By the way, any brides I should know of?" Wash asked. 
Mal growled as he shut off the comm. and closed the cargo hold doors.  As he headed toward the stairs, he failed to notice the flash of metal above his head. 

* * * * * * * * * *

After dropping off the food in the galley, Simon headed down to the cargo hold.  The citizens on Triumph didn't have anything advanced in the field of medicine, but they had been kind enough to trade some of the necessities with Simon for some of the more advanced medicines he could find on Persephone.  As he reached the walkway, he froze for a split second at the sight of Mal's body.  Running down the stairs, he reached the still body of the Captain, sprawled face-down on the floor.  A bloodied wrench lay a few feet away as blood seeped freely from Mal's head.  Ripping off his vest, he pressed it against the injury.  The head under his hand rolled to the side, accompanied by a groan.

"Wo de ma2; what happened?" Mal moaned, trying to sit up.

"Careful, Captain; you've lost a lot of blood," Simon warned.

"What?  How?  Did I trip or somethin'?"  Mal tried to push himself up off the floor only to have his arms buckle under his weight.  He tried again and succeeded with Simon's help.  Simon pulled Mal's arm over his shoulder, taking the Captain's weight.

"Come on, let me get you into the infirmary.  I need to check and see if you have a concussion." 

As the pair stumbled into the infirmary, Simon steered them toward the bed.  Mal dropped heavily onto it, clutching the stained vest to his head.

"Think I ruined your vest, Doc," he moaned, watching as Simon dashed around the infirmary, gathering supplies and setting them on the tray.  Simon moved over to the Captain, carrying his supplies.

"You planning on knocking me out so you can have your wicked way with me?" Mal joked.  As a secondary meaning to his words floated to his consciousness, Mal winced and tried to ignore the flicker of erotic images that passed through his mind. 
Simon's eyes widened as he swallowed hard and focused on his work. Work was good for Simon, allowing him to ignore the small flip of his stomach at Mal’s words.  

"I’d rather not give you pain relievers at the moment, Captain," Simon said, dragging his mind out of the gutter.  "Seeing as you may have a concussion, I don't want to give you anything that might make it harder to wake you."

 Simon grabbed a small flashlight and shined it into Mal's eyes. Simon’s brow furrowed in a way that Mal secretly thought was kind of cute.

"Well, Captain, you don't have a concussion," Simon sighed as set down the flashlight and pulled on his gloves.  Reaching forward, he pulled his vest away from Mal's head.

"Sorry 'bout your vest," Mal mumbled as Simon cleaned the wound.  Although to be truthful, Mal wasn’t really that sorry. To his way of thinking, the less clothing Simon wore, the better he looked. It would have been better had Simon not been wearing a vest and thus been forced to strip his shirt off. 

"I'm the one who placed it on your head," Simon countered.  "You bear no responsibility for my choices." As he moved his gloved fingers through the Captain's hair, Simon couldn't help but wonder if Mal’s hair hadalways been so nice and soft.  He couldn't recall having noticed it that much before he'd he slept with (and got dumped by) Kaylee.  Of course he knew what it looked like.  After all, why wouldn't he notice it when the Captain walked into a room?  Or stood in the sun?  Or ran his hands through it?  Clearing his mind with the focus taught at Medacad, Simon continued his work and pushed all thoughts of soft, pretty, grab-able hair from his mind.

* * * * * * * * * *

As the crew gathered in the mess at Mal's orders, various exclamations of concern and suspicions filled the air as the crew saw the white bandage tied around the Captain's head.

"You alright, Cap'n?" Kaylee asked, her brow knit in worry. 
Mal smiled and nodded, then winced.

"Yeah, Doc says I just got knocked out but I’ll be right as rain in a couple days.  Right, Doc?"

Simon merely nodded in response.

"If you're going to be fine, why call us all here?" Zoe asked.  

"Good point, Wifey," Wash added, twisting his jury rigged wheel chair from side to side. 
Zoe pressed her lips together, but the soft light in her eyes betrayed her amusement.  Even stuck in his wheel chair, Wash found a way to enjoy it.

"Because of this," Mal explained, dropping the bloody vest on the table with a loud thunk
Frowning, Zoe reached forward and pulled back the edge of the soft, blue fabric, revealing the blood-spattered wrench.

"Hey, that's my wrench!" Kaylee yelled.

"Yep, and it fell from the ceiling and almost broke my head."

"When did this happen, Sir?" Zoe asked, frowning.

"Right after I spoke to your husband."

"But the room was empty; we would have seen someone hiding," Zoe said, leaning forward.

"'Less they was real quiet and sneaky," Jayne pointed out, quickly looking over at River.  The crew frowned, their heads turning one by one to gaze at their resident reader.

"Not me.  It was the Colonel," she explained, smiling gently.

"Who are you talking about mei mei?" Simon asked, frowning.  River rolled her eyes.

"You don't know him yet."

"Well, let's just worry about people that are actually here.  So, did you do this, Little Witch?" Mal asked.  

"I said I didn't.  If I wanted to hurt you, you'd never know it was me," she whispered, her eyesgoing wide and dark.

The crew fell quiet as Jayne grabbed his chair and scooted it away from her end of the table.

"Good point," Mal acknowledged.  "So then, who did it?" 

"River was up here with me," Simon offered.

"I was in the bridge; so was Jayne," Wash added.  "And I talked to Kaylee right after I talked to you."

Mal leaned forward and buried his face in his hands, his voice muffled as he spoke. 

"Great, I'm being attacked by a ghost."

* * * * * * * * * * * 

After Mal's strange attack, the crew was wary.  Each time one of them entered a new room, they surveyed their surroundings carefully.  And Jayne had taken to carrying Vera with him wherever he went, though this was due more to his fear someone might hurt her. It wasn't until two days later that the next incident occurred.  Despite Serenity's notoriety and bad luck, space travel was usually fine for them.  It was landing on planets that seemed to be the trouble. 
Mal had just poured himself a cup of tea and was walking over to the table when it happened: a small, glass vial filled with liquid dropped from the ceiling.  He barely had time to register that something had fallen before he was stepping on it.  His momentum carried him forward, his stride breaking as his foot slipped out from under him.  As his vision seemed to flip, Mal braced himself for the impact.  He hit the ground hard, landing on his ass.  Mal had been prepared to bruise his tail bone.  He hadn't been ready for the glass that was cutting into his as.

"Ta ma de hundan3!" he roared, scrambling and sliding away from the shards of glass.  Reaching for the nearest chair, he pulled himself up to his feet, wincing as hisbuttocks cried out in pain.  Looking up, he could see Kaylee running toward him from the engine room.

"Cap'n?  Are you okay?" she asked, frantic.

“Yeah, I'm fine, Little Kaylee," he reassured her, even if he wasn’t certain himself.  As he turned away, Kaylee gasped.

"Cap'n, you're bleedin'!" she cried.   Mal twisted his neck, trying to look down at his ass.  He saw several small patches of red blossom across his backside; he groaned.  

"Ni ta ma de, tianxia suoyoude ren dou gaisi4," he growled.  There was no way around it; he'd need Simon to look at his ass. 

"Kaylee, find the Doc and tell him to meet me in the infirmary.  Then have everyone meet me up here," Mal growled as he started making his way downstairs.  He barely even heard Kaylee's affirmative answer as she ran over to the wall comm. panel, trying to find Simon.  As he moved down the stairs, Mal reminded himself once again that his attraction to Simon was stupid, very stupid. Lately, it had seemed to Mal that every moment spent in Simon’s presence made him more aware of… things. Like Simon’s eyes, and his smile. Mal knew there wouldn't be anything but trouble if he started making moves for Simon.  And while he didn't plan on making any moves for the Doctor, getting an erection just because Simon was touching his ass could count as a move. 

As he reached the infirmary, he saw Simon waiting for him.  

"What happened, Captain?" Simon asked warily.  He couldn't see any injuries, aside from the slow, rolling gait that was rapidly dragging Simon's mind in the gutter.  Once inside the infirmary, Mal shut the door.

It all seemed a bit strange to Simon, from the Captain's walk, to the fact that he'd closed to door.  A part of Simon's mind rushed back to one of those of skin vids he'd seen during his time in Medacad.

"Close the blinds," Mal ordered, his voice low and gravely.  Simon swallowed hard as his eyes widened a fraction.  His heart started to pound rapidly as he obeyed the Captain and lowered the blinds.  Turning around, Simon tried with all his might to appear comfortable.  He watched, entranced, as the Captain slowly walked toward the examination bed and bent over it.  A part of Simon was relieved to see the wounds, confirming that this wasn't some cheesy skin vid.  But another part of him was sorely disappointed. 

"Alright, Captain," Simon sighed, trying to think of ugly, unsexy thoughts.  "Take off your pants."

* * * * * * * * * * *

From outside the infirmary, Mal's secret attacker listened to the clinical discussion between the two men.   Damnit, this wasn't how he and his cohort imagined their gambit would play out.  By giving the tall one minor injuries, he would need to spend time with the other one, giving them time for amorous feelings to form.  But apparently, the two men were a lot stupider than previously thought.  It was time for a direct approach.

* * * * * * * * * * *

An hour later, Mal and Simon emerged from the infirmary, neither sporting the erection they'd been so afraid would materialize.  Luckily, Mal had only received a mild pain reliever, so the constant, dull ache from his ass had kept him calm.  And seeing the Captain in pain had put a hell of a damper on Simon's libido.  The two men made their way up to the kitchen.  Mal was mostly prepared for numerous smart-ass comments from Wash, and a lot of crude humor from Jayne.  When they entered the room, Jayne snickered.

"Hey, Captain, Doc leave year ass sore?" he guffawed.  Simon's face flushed a deep red while Mal wrestled with his urge to shoot Jayne.  But before Mal could even take a painful step toward his target, a fuzzy, gray creature shot across the room and leapt onto Jayne's face.

Jayne jumped out of his chair, his arms alternately flailing and trying to pull the creature off of his face.  Finally, Jayne pulled out a knife.

"Colonel!" River shrieked.  "Retreat!"

Then, just as quickly as the attack had started, it ended with the creature jumping away from Jayne and dashing across the table and into River's arms.  The crew was frozen in surprise, a tableau of confusion and amusement.

"What in the gorram hell was that?" Mal roared. 

"Captain Reynolds, meet Colonel Fuzzy," River said sweetly, placing the animal on the table.  The crew stared at it.  It wasn't very large, perhaps two feet long with grey fur and a long tail covered in black rings, as well as black rings surrounding its eyes.

"What is it?" Jayne asked, frowning.

"Procyon cancrivorus," River answered.

"A raccoon," Simon supplied, amazed.  "They were quite common on Earth-that-Was, and are common in zoos and parks on some of the Core planets."

Mal ran his hand through his hair, and then winced as he grazed the bump.  At that moment, he wanted nothing more than stiff drink of Kaylee's engine liquor. 

"Where did you find him?" Wash asked.

"I heard him on Triumph and went to meet him," River explained.  

"You heard him?" Zoe echoed, eyebrow raised.

"Smart raccoon from a smart family; genetically engineered and trained to be capable of higher brain functions and communication with those like him," River explained.

"You’re saying he's super-intelligent, and you are able to communicate with him?" Simon asked, confirming the strange words. 

"Yes.  They cut and snipped him before they cut and snipped me.  They turned the animal into a soldier," she finished sadly. 

"Soldier?" Mal asked, his eyebrows crawling ever-higher on his forehead.  "Who made him into a soldier?"

"The same ones who made the girl," came the whispered answer.  

“It is wrong that the fact they hurt a little fuzzy animal makes me hate the Alliance even more?" Wash asked suddenly.

"No, I hate 'em more, too," Kaylee pouted, blinking back the tears in her eyes.  Colonel Fuzzy chattered before leaping out of River's arms, crossing the table, and going over to cuddle with Kaylee.  His fingers gently clutched at her hair as Kaylee cooed.

Mal sighed loudly.  "So you're saying that your raccoon, Captain-."

"Colonel," River interrupted sternly.

"Right, Colonel Fuzzy, was experimented on by the Alliance?" Mal clarified, wincing.

River nodded in reply.  

Jayne snorted.  "If he's Colonel Fuzzy, who're you, General Moonbrain?"

Fuzzy's fur bristled as he growled.  Suddenly, he scrabbled across the table toward Jayne, teeth bared.  But before he could reach Jayne, River interceded and grabbed the raccoon off of the table.   She settled back in her chair, and handed him back to Kaylee.

"Wait," Wash interjected, smiling.  "Is this the same Colonel you said dropped the wrench on Mal's head?"

"This is who was tryin' to kill me?" Mal yelled.

Fuzzy chattered from Kaylee's arms.  River watched him, then shrugged.

"Didn't want to kill you; wanted to hurt you," River explained. 


"Because I asked him to."
"Mei mei!" Simon exclaimed, horrified.  "Why would you do that?"

"Because you're both boobs," she answered simply.  Wash and Jayne laughed loudly, while Zoe hid a smile behind her hand.

"You got mad at your brother and decided to hurt me?  Why not hurt him?" Mal sputtered.

"Because if he got hurt, Zoe would fix him, and that wouldn't make you spend time with him," River explained slowly, as though Mal were a child.

“I know I’m gonna regret asking this, Little Witch, but why do you want me to spend time with your brother?” Mal asked, cringing.
“So you can be in a relationship and engage in sexual congress,” River smiled. Simon groaned and dropped his head onto the table.

Kaylee brightened up.  "So Fuzzy was helpin' ya set the two of 'em up?  That's so sweet," she squealed, looking down at the offending raccoon.

"Sweet?  Aren’t you dating Simon?"  Wash asked.

"Nah," Kaylee shrugged, running her fingers through the gray fur.  "I like Simon, but I think datin' him was more romantic in idea than it was in real life. Things just kinda petered out."

"So the raccoon was helpin' ya play matchmaker with the Captain and yer brother?" Jayne asked, his nose wrinkled.  At River's happy nod, he frowned and crossed his arms.  "Well that’s just weird," he muttered. 
“Why are you trying to set up the Captain and your brother?” Zoe asked as she started to rub her temples.
“Because Simon has a crush on the Captain.”
Simon jumped up quickly, sending his chair crashing to the floor.  He wasn't one to anger quickly, but he could feel his temper rising along with his embarrassment.  And any words he could say somehow dried up in his mouth when he faced the crew.  They smiled at him expectantly, save Mal who simply looked curious.

"I'll be in the infirmary," he said before briskly striding out of the kitchen.  The room fell silent. Mal watched him go, his face holding an inscrutable look that Zoe knew concealed the Captain’s concern. Her knowledge was confirmed when Mal stood and followed after Simon. Once their footsteps had faded away, River turned to the raccoon.
“Our intel was correct, Colonel. The Captain does indeed reciprocate my brother’s feelings and this course of action was most fruitful.” The raccoon chattered and seemed to nod his head, before suddenly leaping off of Kaylee’s lap and disappearing into the shadows. River followed her cohort, Kaylee on her heels. Zoe continued to rub her temples, while Wash had a strange mix of humor and horror on his face.
“Hey, you think he’d kill Badger fer us?” Jayne asked, suddenly smiling. 

* * * * * * * * * * *

Simon pressed his fists into the countertop, breathing deeply. Mal watched from the doorway, the tension curling off of the younger man like smoke. The Captain cleared his throat. Simon inhaled sharply, but didn’t turn around.
“Doc? Simon?”
“Just go away, Mal,” he sighed. 
Mal cleared his throat again, then stepped inside the infirmary and closed the door behind him. The blinds on the windows were still closed.
“Look, Doc; this had been a weird couple of days. But, your sister was telling the truth, wasn’t she?”
Squeezing his eyes shut, Simon spoke. “Yes, she was.”
“Okay, then. Considering the fact that a gorram raccoon has been trying to kill me, that’s pretty good,” Mal said, scratching behind his ears.

As the two men talked, three figures crept down into the common area. Quietly, they crawled until they reached the panel beside the infirmary door. Kaylee pried the cover off of the panel and then watched as Fuzzy squeezed up into the wall. He returned only a few seconds later, pulling on a group of wires. Kaylee grabbed them, and quickly began switching wires. After reconnecting the wires, a small click sounded. Kaylee smiled and gave a thumbs-up to River and Fuzzy, before silently slipped away.
Inside the infirmary, a laugh devoid of any humor puffed out of Simon’s mouth.  “Well, it’s nice to know that my feelings for you aren’t as bad as you being injured.” Turning away from he counter, Simon schooled is face into a blank mask.
“Well, it’s not like that, it’s just, well…” Mal trailed off, grimacing. He’d never been one for words. Dropping his gazeto the floor, Simon moved past the Captain to open the door; it held fast. Clenching his jaw, Simon punched the door.
“It’s locked,” he growled. 
Mal frowned. 
“What? How’s it locked?” he asked.
Simon slowly turned, his jaw clenched.
“My guess, the illusive Colonel,” he ground out.
Mal sighed and stared at the door.
“Well,” he shrugged, “It’s hard to get time alone on this ship. I aim to take advantage of any minute I get.”
Simon spun around to face him.
This time, Mal chose not to use words. Grabbing Simon by his shoulders, he pushed him against the door and captured his lips in a kiss. Simon was frozen again, unable to process just what was happening to him. Luckily, his smaller brain took control and within seconds, he was kissing Mal back. As they ate at each other’s mouths, Simon rested his hands on Mal’s hips. When Mal slid one thigh between Simon’s legs, Simon’s brain shut down. Desperate, he grabbed Mal’s ass.
Mal’s pained shriek could be heard through out the ship.
In the galley, Wash started to laugh while Zoe merely shook her head and Jayne frowned.
And in the engine room, River frowned as she looked at Colonel Fuzzy and Private Frye.
“Perhaps we shouldn’t have used a glass vessel to contain the oil.”
1Damnit, Zoe!
2Mother of God!
3Mother fucking son of a bitch!
4Everyone under the heavens ought to die.

Date: 2007-07-18 05:37 pm (UTC)
ext_11979: (JP July 21st by shoegal_icons)
From: [identity profile] suki-blue.livejournal.com
Brilliant, hon! So very funny. I want a Colonel Fuzzy!

Date: 2007-07-18 05:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
Aw, thanks!
I was worried about it, so I'm glad you liked it.
And yes, I desire a Colonel Fuzzy as well.
He could probably balance my finances, get dinner ready, help me smite my enemies....
Good times.

Date: 2007-07-18 07:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] executrix.livejournal.com
I love the convincingly off-center tone with which you carried out the prompt in this delightful and funny story. And Spooky Altered States Space!Raccoon is a great idea.

Date: 2007-07-18 10:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
Yeah, I can't quite recall where that idea came from, but writing about Colonel Fuzzy was fun.
I'm so glad that you enjoyed this; thank you so much for the feedback!

Date: 2007-07-18 07:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anxiety-junkie.livejournal.com
Oh, this was hilarious!

Strangely, it had taken nearly dying and exposing a major government conspiracy for the ship to become financially viable.

This scenario is really believable - I can see Warrick being impressed by what they did and his colleagues following suit. And Jayne asking if the raccoon can kill Badger for them! LMAO!

Btw, I love love love all your fic, can I friend you? *g*

Date: 2007-07-18 10:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
Yeah, I just randomly thought of Warrick and figured he'd probably be cool about it. And I think that while Jayne would be creeped out a bit by the super smart Racoon, practicality would take over.
I'm so glad you liked this, and I'd be delighted if you friend me.
Thanks for the feedback,

Date: 2007-07-18 10:21 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I'm very, very scared of that raccoon.

Date: 2007-07-18 10:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
Eh, the Colonel's pretty cool. He's mostly so scary because River helps think up plans.

Date: 2007-07-19 05:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] electricdesire.livejournal.com
Loved it! Simply fun!

Date: 2007-07-19 03:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
Thanks! I'm glad you found it fun.
I was worried it would end up all messy.
Sadly, I did want to add in some M/S pron, but it just wasn't time. And I couldn't figure out how to do it whilest Mal bum was injured.



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