Giving up.

----   I'm in another one of those moods.  Yep, once again Alice is getting all forlorn and whiney about her romance life.  This going to be like any one of my other five hundred whiney entries, so if you want to, feel free to skip the reading and just post the obligatory best friend comment of "I love you and you're beautiful to me."  Sometimes, its all a friend can really say.

----  So yeah, more Alice whining.  But this time, its different.  I now realized the problem with my life and the lacking in my love life.  After last year's "pining for loser Jon" fiasco, I thought that my problem was that I had started aiming too low (and even those guys didn't want me, sadly).  So I've started aiming and pining for the better guys.  There's been Kostya, a gorgeous RussoUkrainian, intelligent and nice, who I suspect has a girlfriend.  I can't even talk to him, so so much for that.  Then there is Mike, who I can talk to.  Mike, the handsome, irreverant, funny  and talented poet who has an adorable,  pretty, thin girlfriend that I could never compete with.  There is also Jack, a tall, thin attractive, shy, sensative guy, who writes good poetry, has beautiful hands, and apparently, a signifacant other.  So yay for my choosing skills.  I mean, its not like any of these guys are Jude Law.  I know them, and yet they lay outside of my sphere of possiblibity.  I try for losers, and they don't want me, and then I don't even have  a shot with the guys I really want.  I'm in a no mans land of romantic possibility.  I exist in a place without possibility.  Its not like I want a romance novel with the perfect guy.  I realize that relationships are difficult and problematic, requiring work.  I can accept that.  And I can accept the fact that many never find love- for a lot of people, there is not Mr. or Miss right.

----  In our world, there is no intermingling.  The beautiful fall for the beautiful, the normal with the normal, and the ugly with the ugly.  These rules, while not written (to the best of my knowledge, at least) are followed.  Have you ever seen a really hot guy with an ugly chick?  Or visa versa?  The only time this pattern is broken, is when the ugly one is rich as hell, and I have am rather poor.  The only other, and, frankly, rare exception, is when the parties involved are in truely in love *holds back derisive snort*, are somehow able to look past appearence  Unfortuantely, in my life, all the normal guys seem to be targeting beautiful girls, so that leave me shit out of luck, and, sadly, I am programmed with this pattern enough that I don't want to date an ugly guy.  Brutal cycle, isn't it?  This cycle isn't going to change, and no amount of make up or pretty clothes is going to change this, it is a reality that can not be escaped.  Because it doesn't matter what I say or do, some things don't change.

----So if my friends made it this far, I assure you, I'm fine.  I'm not that sad, and I'm not crying.  Yes, I've taken my meds, and have no desire to express my feeling on my skin.  I'm okay because what I've just said, no matter how depressing, is the truth.  Its not a lie told to make me feel better, but is true, and I can deal with that.  Because I finally see the truth.  I'm tired of expending emotion and energy on something that isn't going to, and may never, happen.  So hopefully that quote is true- "The truth shall set you free."