[personal profile] vinniebatman
Title:  The Mistletoe Conspiracy
Author: vinniebatman aka batmanvinnie
Fandom: SGA
Pairings/Characters: McShep
Rating/Warnings:  Teen
Summary:  When smart people get bored, strange things happen. This is my pathetic version of a Christmas prezzie for [personal profile] suki_blue.
Disclaimer: I conquered the world AND the Pegasus Galaxy.  I now own all. Thank you.   Or not. 

John schooled his face into a mask of calm. Raising his eyes from the energy pistol pointed at him, he addressed Ronon.

"Listen, that's not true. Just because two people are under the mistletoe together, they don't have to kiss; it's just a tradition."

"But if you don't, it becomes a bad omen and will bring the wrath of the Ancestors upon us," Ronon countered.

Rodney's face went red as he sputtered. "What? Th-that's ludicrous! It's stupid!  Where did you hear that superstitious drivel?"

"Teyla and Dr. Weir."

"What? That's insane, why would they-." John quickly cut Rodney off before he angered the armed, glowering Sataden. He tapped his earpiece and spoke.

"Dr. Weir, could and Teyla please report to Rodney's office?"

Down in the mess, where the holiday party was in full-swing, Elizabeth tapped her earpiece.  "Is there something wrong, John?"

"Just . . . could you and Teyla just come down here? And hurry, please."

"Okay, we'll be there in five."

The three men stood in silence, staring at each other. Well technically, John watched warily and Ronon looked on stoically while Rodney glared.

"What is going on in here, Colonel?" Dr. Weir had arrived.

"Ronon went stupid; he's trying to make us kiss!" Rodney squeaked, irate. Elizabeth and Teyla glanced at each other, suppressing their grins.

"Why would he do that?"

"It is one of your traditions," Ronon growled.

Elizabeth sighed. "It is true that this is tradition, Ronon, but we can't force them to kiss."

"But not doing so could endanger the city," he replied.

Elizabeth frowned. "Why would that happen?"

"I believe that is my fault," Teyla offered. "I told Ronon of the Athosian belief that traditions are practices handed down by the Ancestors. If they are not followed, the Ancestors may choose to punish the transgressors and those that abide them."

"Well, this is an Earth tradition, Ronon, so I don't think the Ancestors-," John started.

"You told me they settled on Earth, as well," Ronon interrupted.

"That's true, but-."

"So this may be a practice of the Ancestors," Ronon interrupted again.


Elizabeth raised her hand, silencing John's argument. She opened her mouth to speak when her earpiece beeped. With an annoyed sigh, she activated it.

"This is Dr. Weir, go ahead. Really . . . Okay, fine, I'll be there ASAP."

Shooting the two hostages a sympathetic glance, she turned to Ronon. "There's a bit of a crisis in the mess hall; I have to go. While I’m gone, don't do anything . . . rash."

"No, that is unacceptable! Elizabeth!" Rodney whined.

"I'm sorry, Rodney, but I'm needed downstairs." She turned to Teyla and spoke. "We've got a bit of tension between two Athosians and one of the gate teams. Apparently it’s closely approaching violence; we might need your help."

"Of course, Dr. Weir," the Athosian replied. "My apologies Rodney, John. Please notify me if you cannot correct this situation."

The two women quickly fled the office, leaving the three men to their stand off.

Rodney groaned. "Great, now I’m hungry and we're still stuck here! By the time we figure this out, all the good food will be gone before we get down there." Squaring his jaw, Rodney turned to John. "That's it, I don't care!"

Grabbing John's shoulders, Rodney leaned forward and placed a quick peck on his lips. "There, can we go?"

Ronon snorted derisively. "That isn't a kiss."

"Did you have to go to a special caveman school to get this stupid? That was a kiss, lips on lips! It counts!"

Clenching his jaw, Ronon frowned and moved the gun from John to Rodney.

"Okay, you know what? This isn't worth dying over," John muttered. Grabbing Rodney's hips, John pulled him forward and pressed their lips together. This time it was a real kiss, one that made Rodney's stomach jump and twist. Hypnotized by the feeling of John's soft lips moving against his, he wrapped his arms around the colonel's neck. As the contact between their bodies increased, John shifted his hips, rocking against Rodney. With a gasp, the scientist opened his mouth. A tongue quickly slipped inside, tracing and teasing. The kiss continued, the two men forgetting why they were kissing, focusing on the slide of tongue against tongue. After a few minutes, they separated. Lips swollen and faces flushed, they turned to the door.

"John, where did Ronon go?"

* * * * * *

Ronon strode into the party, an eyebrow raised in triumph. He made a beeline for the table Cadman, Beckett, Zelenka, Weir and Teyla occupied. He dropped into the empty chair by Beckett, uncovering the plate of food Teyla had set aside from him.

Cadman grinned lasciviously. "So, did it work?"

Ronon smirked, then laughed. The deep sound surprised those nearby and caused the Czech scientist to shiver, then blush. "They didn't even notice when I left. Someone should check in a few minutes to see if they ran out of air."

The assembled expedition members laughed. "Just remember, no one else can know, especially any of the military. Aside from Laura," Elizabeth reminded.

"Well, it’s about time. I didn’t tell Rodney, but I did find a few pictures of the Colonel in his room when I was stuck in his brain. Rodney only had two other pictures: one of his family under his bed, and one of his cat," the soldier replied.

"Well, I suspected, but I didn’t know for sure until Ronon told me," Elizabeth said.

"I found myself somewhat surprised at Ronon’s allegations, but another part of me not so surprised," Teyla added.

"Am I the only one who completely caught off guard?" Carson asked. Radek shook his head.

"No, I was also very surprised. I wonder if they have sex, will Rodney not be such a mean zkurvysyne*?"

Elizabeth smiled and raised her glass. "To Ronon and his plan!" The others raised their glasses and followed suit.

"To Ronon!"


*Translates (according to one source) into "Son of a bitch."

Date: 2006-12-22 09:50 pm (UTC)
ext_11979: (Christmas Mcshep Elf by Suki)
From: [identity profile] suki-blue.livejournal.com
LOL!! That was wonderful! What a great idea. Your Ronan was spot on. "But if you don't, it becomes a bad omen and will bring the wrath of the Ancestors upon us," Ronon countered.


See? they are totally meant to be.

This was great, hon. What a fantastic present!!! Thank you so much!!

~great big hugs~

Date: 2006-12-22 09:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
Yeah, there were some details in my head that didn't fit into the flow, like Teyla and Elizabeth helping Ronon make up up the excuse, and Radek coaxing Atlantis into moving the mistletoe over John and Rodney.
But I'm glad you liked it!*hugs*

Date: 2006-12-22 10:01 pm (UTC)
ext_11979: (Default)
From: [identity profile] suki-blue.livejournal.com
I thought it was perfect and it really made me smile. Auw!!

Thanks again. I really enjoyed it. Merry Christmas, sweetie pie!

Date: 2006-12-22 09:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hull1984.livejournal.com
Lord love a duck! I loved this! And I love [livejournal.com profile] suki_blue for dragging you here - gawd bless her!

Please stay!

Date: 2006-12-22 09:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
Thank you. And I do enjoy this fandom, although I refuse to really pair Ronon with anyone- he's mine, damnit. Just don't tell my hubby.

Date: 2006-12-22 11:20 pm (UTC)
ext_6732: (McShep no text)
From: [identity profile] kitty-poker1.livejournal.com
Very sweet! Lovely writing.

Elizabeth smiled and raised her glass. "To Ronon and his plan!" The others raised their glasses and followed suit.

Amen! Silly boys. Of course they shoud be kissing and *ahem* getting to know one another better. *g*

Ronon and Zelenka should definitely explore their feelings. ;)

Date: 2006-12-27 05:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
Yeah, a part of me doesn't want to set Ronon up, because even though he's a fictional character and I'm a married woman, I still like the idea of a single Ronon. But I also like Ronon and Zelenka, because of all the characters on SGA, he's the most like me. Zelenka is so adorkable.

Anyways, coming from one of the best betas in fan existence, your compliments mean a lot.
Thank you!

Date: 2006-12-23 11:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] taiteilija.livejournal.com
*snorts* That was fantastic! :D

Date: 2006-12-27 05:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
Thanks! I'm glad I earned a bare bum icon for that.
I just wanted to write something humerous and dorky that didn't suck.

Date: 2006-12-23 12:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] melagan.livejournal.com
Hee! Way to go Ronon! Best use of mistletoe ever!

Date: 2006-12-27 05:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
Well, I can think of other uses for mis... er, nevermind.
Thanks for the lovely comment!

Date: 2006-12-24 03:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adafrog.livejournal.com
heee! Very cute!

Date: 2006-12-27 05:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
THank you! I try.

Date: 2006-12-24 08:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mardahin.livejournal.com
I totally love Ronon's ability to bull-shit on command*. I completely believe that he has it; we just never get to see it on screen. Yay!!

*After all, Ronon came from a highly-advanced civilization. They didn't have silverware? Yeah, right.

Date: 2006-12-27 05:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
They totally had silverware. I just don't think it was in his WraithRunner kit. His number one goal for eating was "get enough food in mouth to survive."

And you can tell Ronon is wiley. He evaded all those wraith for seven years, so he's obviously a good strategist.

Thanks for the comment.

Date: 2006-12-28 12:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mardahin.livejournal.com
Oh, I agree that it wasn't in the "Runner's Field Kit", but there are times he seems to just relish making the expedition members squirm.

I'll admit, I think they totally use him as a screening when they get the new batches in from the Daedalus; he spends the first week randomly plunking down at tables and eating with his hands and glaring at people, and anyone who can't stand him or makes a fuss gets shipped back to Earth.

Date: 2006-12-28 01:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
Except for me. Because I don't care, I'd lick the mashed potatoes from his fingers for him. Yes, he is a messy eater, but it was still kinda hot.

Date: 2006-12-28 02:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mardahin.livejournal.com
Call me self-preservational, but anyone that tall and muscular who obviously knows how to handle himself is someone I give a wide berth until I've seen how they interact with people.

Date: 2006-12-26 06:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brandinsbabe.livejournal.com
aww this was great! i love mistleto stories, especially when they involve joh and rodney. i loved this!

Date: 2006-12-27 05:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!

Date: 2007-02-07 10:39 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Yay Ronon and his plan...and the fact that everyone else thought it was a good one :). It looks like John and Rodney *finally* caught on *g*.


Date: 2007-02-07 04:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vinniebatman.livejournal.com
DAmn, you won't get an email o' this, but I'm not sure whose plan it was. I think it was everyone's plan...



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