Author: vinniebatman aka batmanvinnie
Summary: When smart people get bored, strange things happen. This is my pathetic version of a Christmas prezzie for suki_blue.
Disclaimer: I conquered the world AND the Pegasus Galaxy. I now own all. Thank you. Or not.
John schooled his face into a mask of calm. Raising his eyes from the energy pistol pointed at him, he addressed Ronon.
"Listen, that's not true. Just because two people are under the mistletoe together, they don't have to kiss; it's just a tradition."
"But if you don't, it becomes a bad omen and will bring the wrath of the Ancestors upon us," Ronon countered.
Rodney's face went red as he sputtered. "What? Th-that's ludicrous! It's stupid! Where did you hear that superstitious drivel?"
"Teyla and Dr. Weir."
"What? That's insane, why would they-." John quickly cut Rodney off before he angered the armed, glowering Sataden. He tapped his earpiece and spoke.
"Dr. Weir, could and Teyla please report to Rodney's office?"
Down in the mess, where the holiday party was in full-swing, Elizabeth tapped her earpiece. "Is there something wrong, John?"
"Just . . . could you and Teyla just come down here? And hurry, please."
"Okay, we'll be there in five."
The three men stood in silence, staring at each other. Well technically, John watched warily and Ronon looked on stoically while Rodney glared.
"What is going on in here, Colonel?" Dr. Weir had arrived.
"Ronon went stupid; he's trying to make us kiss!" Rodney squeaked, irate. Elizabeth and Teyla glanced at each other, suppressing their grins.
"Why would he do that?"
"It is one of your traditions," Ronon growled.
Elizabeth sighed. "It is true that this is tradition, Ronon, but we can't force them to kiss."
"But not doing so could endanger the city," he replied.
Elizabeth frowned. "Why would that happen?"
"I believe that is my fault," Teyla offered. "I told Ronon of the Athosian belief that traditions are practices handed down by the Ancestors. If they are not followed, the Ancestors may choose to punish the transgressors and those that abide them."
"Well, this is an Earth tradition, Ronon, so I don't think the Ancestors-," John started.
"You told me they settled on Earth, as well," Ronon interrupted.
"That's true, but-."
"So this may be a practice of the Ancestors," Ronon interrupted again.
Elizabeth raised her hand, silencing John's argument. She opened her mouth to speak when her earpiece beeped. With an annoyed sigh, she activated it.
"This is Dr. Weir, go ahead. Really . . . Okay, fine, I'll be there ASAP."
Shooting the two hostages a sympathetic glance, she turned to Ronon. "There's a bit of a crisis in the mess hall; I have to go. While I’m gone, don't do anything . . . rash."
"No, that is unacceptable! Elizabeth!" Rodney whined.
"I'm sorry, Rodney, but I'm needed downstairs." She turned to Teyla and spoke. "We've got a bit of tension between two Athosians and one of the gate teams. Apparently it’s closely approaching violence; we might need your help."
"Of course, Dr. Weir," the Athosian replied. "My apologies Rodney, John. Please notify me if you cannot correct this situation."
The two women quickly fled the office, leaving the three men to their stand off.
Rodney groaned. "Great, now I’m hungry and we're still stuck here! By the time we figure this out, all the good food will be gone before we get down there." Squaring his jaw, Rodney turned to John. "That's it, I don't care!"
Grabbing John's shoulders, Rodney leaned forward and placed a quick peck on his lips. "There, can we go?"
Ronon snorted derisively. "That isn't a kiss."
"Did you have to go to a special caveman school to get this stupid? That was a kiss, lips on lips! It counts!"
Clenching his jaw, Ronon frowned and moved the gun from John to Rodney.
"Okay, you know what? This isn't worth dying over," John muttered. Grabbing Rodney's hips, John pulled him forward and pressed their lips together. This time it was a real kiss, one that made Rodney's stomach jump and twist. Hypnotized by the feeling of John's soft lips moving against his, he wrapped his arms around the colonel's neck. As the contact between their bodies increased, John shifted his hips, rocking against Rodney. With a gasp, the scientist opened his mouth. A tongue quickly slipped inside, tracing and teasing. The kiss continued, the two men forgetting why they were kissing, focusing on the slide of tongue against tongue. After a few minutes, they separated. Lips swollen and faces flushed, they turned to the door.
"John, where did Ronon go?"
* * * * * *
Ronon strode into the party, an eyebrow raised in triumph. He made a beeline for the table Cadman, Beckett, Zelenka, Weir and Teyla occupied. He dropped into the empty chair by Beckett, uncovering the plate of food Teyla had set aside from him.
Cadman grinned lasciviously. "So, did it work?"
Ronon smirked, then laughed. The deep sound surprised those nearby and caused the Czech scientist to shiver, then blush. "They didn't even notice when I left. Someone should check in a few minutes to see if they ran out of air."
The assembled expedition members laughed. "Just remember, no one else can know, especially any of the military. Aside from Laura," Elizabeth reminded.
"Well, it’s about time. I didn’t tell Rodney, but I did find a few pictures of the Colonel in his room when I was stuck in his brain. Rodney only had two other pictures: one of his family under his bed, and one of his cat," the soldier replied.
"Well, I suspected, but I didn’t know for sure until Ronon told me," Elizabeth said.
"I found myself somewhat surprised at Ronon’s allegations, but another part of me not so surprised," Teyla added.
"Am I the only one who completely caught off guard?" Carson asked. Radek shook his head.
"No, I was also very surprised. I wonder if they have sex, will Rodney not be such a mean zkurvysyne*?"
Elizabeth smiled and raised her glass. "To Ronon and his plan!" The others raised their glasses and followed suit.
*Translates (according to one source) into "Son of a bitch."